a little whining, rambling, reassuring and breathing

so i know things have been a little erratic here at fidfam, but the truth is that things are a bit, well, back and forth here as well. it's monday morning and owen's listening to coldplay (his absolute favorite now, which i'm of course only encouraging) on my phone and michael's upstairs packing for sweeden. i start teaching in two and a half weeks and while i'm excited and invigorated by some new ideas michael and i discussed for teaching hamlet i'm really really freaked out. i'm wondering how i'll moderate the online web discussion board, grade some 90+ essays weekly, and stay on track to graduate this summer--while making an hour commute at 6am with a big sierradog and sleepy three year old. no, i'm really wondering how owen and i will have time to make blueberry muffins together. but i guess it isn't the wondering that makes it happen, it's knowing that you made it here, and having a pretty phenomenal support crew. really, isn't that the lesson mcqueen teaches us in cars? and of course it isn't the teaching or the writing that i'm worried about, because that's a gift--to be able to pursue work that is creative and challenging is a gift. it's the unwillingness as my professor told me to"reprioritize now"--how, as a mother, do you do that? i don't think it's inherently possible. perhaps it's letting owen grow a little on his own. yesterday i was tlaking to a girlfriend i hadn't spoken to in a few months and told her all about owen's preschool and how i thought it was a good time for him to begin--and she laughed and said "cara, owen's been ready at least six months. you, on the other hand, were not." and as if owen knew i needed an, it's ok mom, there are some things only mommy can do--he asked while scrolling through the elizabeth mitchell cd (with twinkle twinkle little star and mariposa and other songs in our bedtime song repertoire) why the "fishy" song wasn't on there. and the reason is that only mommy sings that song, she made it up just for owen. but we're all getting bigger and learning to adapt to changes and welcome challenges--three weeks is a damn long time. it just is, and it makes all of our hearts sad that michael is there and we're here. we can be sad, but we can't complain. i've been blessed to spend the last three years nurturing our family, building our little nest in whateve tree we happen to be perched in. and those baby doves that flew from the nest outside our window? they're back, and there are two more eggs! so it's a cycle, right (no, i am NOT pregnant) but and the real marker that we're all growing? on friday at california adventure owen was finally tall enough to ride the sea jellies!