how i pray

papa came to spend the afternoon with us today and we had a gorgeous walk around the park outside the montage in laguna beach. owen was just running in circles and tumbling in the grass. he's a born adventurer and is terrifyingly fearless. he was ready to slide down the edge of the cliff, roll into the sand, and dive straight into the waves.

and it's beautiful and it's exhausting. we decided to go to our local italian restaurant for dinner and instead of sitting in the highchair and eating his ravioli with his new toddler fork he wanted to jump on my lap, pull my hair and see how many times he could pull the light fixture off the wall. and i had that moment where i thought, i'm that mom you look at and think poor lady can't control her kid. and he was laughing and screaming every time i tried to put him in the highchair. and i realized then that owen's already smarter than me. definitely stronger but definitely smarter. and tonight when i went to put him down to bed every time i read "and a little old lady whispering hush" from good night moon he screamed. and sure enough when we got to "hush" again he let out a wail. and then he wouldn't sleep and i felt like i lost again. and i brought him downstairs. and then on my bed. and finally just back to sleep and clsoed the door. and i let him cry. and he fell asleep. then i cried to papa, my dada. and he laughed. and i realized i wasn't really that bad mom. and maybe bad moms are just tired moms. who have lost perspective. trying to do the right thing. and owen was asleep. oh, and owen's a boy. a curious boy who likes dirt and mud and throwing things. and i just keep up the mantra "gentle" and when necessary put him to bed and close the door so we can both have a time out.

and then i worked on my scrapbook. mostly i've been shuffling pictures and having paper angst (if there is such a thing). and so i chose the pictures from the zoo which weren't really "zoo" pictures but owen looking up against the glass. and i don't even remember what animal we were looking for. and you can't see it. but owen sees something. and i decided it should be the last page. and with it is this poem, my prayer, by e.e. cummings. so no picture today, but a poem, a prayer instead.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
-e. e. cummings