ok, so i'm trying to keep it together but right now i'm just not. but i think that just makes me a human being right? and i can't get on to g-talk to see if michael's up yet, the dog is upset with me for being gone and won't eat and now he's lying on the floor making crazy stomach noises, i just got back from visiting my grandparents and i'm just tired. and i'm trying really hard to be ok and everyone's been so fabulous about making sure i'm ok and really i have been fine but it's been a week and tomorrow's sunday and i'm not sure how we're going to make it through the day. i mean i have all this support here and my parents are close and i feel crappy for even writing this but i can't sit here and write something like i'm on prozac and i feel fine. because in this moment i don't. i just want michael here. and now i'm all snotty and i want a shoulder to cry on and it's eleven o clock at night and i feel alone. like i want to go wake up owen just so i can hold him and i want to lock the dog out on the balcony. and part of what is making me upset is that my neighbor was supposed to ofeed sierra, but somehow the message didn't get through and it didn't happen. not that he would have eaten anyway because he's all depressd that he's not on his michael schedule and then i abandon him for a whole day so then he lets me know he's unhappy with me by not eating and so then we're all feeling sick to our stomachs. so then i just think that the one person i know i can always count on isn't here and it just makes me really sad. and i know he's sad too. and i don't want him to come home because i want us to make this work but maybe part of making this work is admitting that it's just damn hard too.
ok, i feel a little better. im sure i ened some sleep and maybe a glass of wine.